What the fuck is wrong with me?

I have a tendency to pride myself on being a rational human being but holy hell I am screwing up every which way in my relationship right now. I have a good man... no, a great man. Being a list maker I decided to write out all the different reasons that I love this man and I came up with over a hundred of them. Seriously. He is fantastic in so many ways and the ways that he isn't fantastic are surmountable. Some of the reasons that he isn't fantastic actually have more to do with ME than they do with him.

For example: I talk to him like he is a child because sometimes, he acts like one. Instead of uplifting him, I shove him further back down with my disdain for how he is acting. Jesus Christ if I want him to prove himself, I need to back the fuck off and give him the space to prove himself. Instead, I get frustrated and act like a bitch towards him. The other day I said to my teenager that I don't know why he puts up with me. It was a sobering moment when she turned around and said "Neither do I". Oh, shit. Honest to God if he treated me the way that I am treating him, I would have left his ass long ago. So then, why the hell do I think that its ok to treat him that way?

Its fucking NOT ok for me to hurt him. Its not ok that sometimes I make him cry and don't care that I do. Its not ok for me to belittle or be condescending towards him. Not now, not ever. If I can't treat him with dignity and respect then I am the epitome of fucking scum and I hate that about myself.